Monday has been my most emotional day so far. I came to the NICU as soon as I could get moving in the morning. I was clearly very tired though, as I didn't arrive until almost 11am. Ben started reading the Psalms to Samuel that morning. He left to go to work shortly after I arrived.
Then the doctor came in to talk to me early that afternoon. They had run a head ultrasound on Samuel because premies tend to have some problems with bleeding in the brain. The doctor came in and explained (very kindly and gently) that they did see some bleeding in his brain. This is called intraventricular hemorrhage. Read the explanation from the link for a better explanation that what I would give. Basically though you have 2 ventricles in the brain and with premies like Samuel the blood vessels close to these can leak blood. The lower the grade rating the more minor it is, rated from 1-4. Samuel had a grade 2 on the right and a grade 3 on the left. The doctor described grades 1 and 2 like a bruise. It will take some time to heal, but leaves no lasting impact on development. Grade 3 and 4 however can possibly leave some lasting impact on development (mainly physical development, but in some cases mental as well). His grade 2 was a very minor grade 2 and his grade 3 was a more major grade 3.
Let's just say, the doctor told me this and put tons of emphasis on how it might impact future development, but many babies develop normally. Based on his activity level it was surprising that he even had such a high grade on the one side. Despite his strong emphasis on how this could mean absolutely nothing I started bawling. I hadn't let a single bit of emotion out the entire time (from going into labor on my birthday through that point. All the positive news pushed me forward, the moment I was given a slight negative the tear ducts were ripped open and I let it out.
There was some positive news the doctor had given me at the same time however. There is a valve in our hearts that is open when we are in the womb, but after we are born it naturally closes. This doesn't just naturally occur in premies however. Therefore they had given him a three day dose of medicine that is supposed to cause it to close. It had worked!! YAY!! His heart is now good to go with that valve now closed!
Then I got to kangaroo hold Samuel for the first time. That pretty much dried all my tears and gave me lots of joy. The doctor said there wasn't much we could do for him at this point until we give him another head ultrasound in a week to see if it had worsened or not. Most bleeding like this ceases within the first 7 days of life.
Kangaroo Care is something common to NICUs. Basically what it is is holding Samuel to my skin on my chest. This is something very calming to babies because they know their mother's heartbeat and rhythms of breathing and speaking. It also helps them maintain body warmth, regulate heart and breathing rates, gain weight, spend more time in deep sleep, spend more time quiet and alert with less time crying, have a better chance at breast feeding. For me doing kangaroo care has really helped me mentally and emotionally process the fact that he is here, he is my son, and I love him very much.
At St. Luke's they like you to hold your child for at least an hour. There are lots of tubes and such hooked into him, this way you make the process of getting him out and moving him more worthwhile with the extended holding period. I had them take a few photos of us, they gave me a mirror and I spent the next hour and a half gawking at him laying there on my chest. The mirror helped me gawk, otherwise I couldn't see him so close to my chin! It gave me just soo much joy to hold and love on him. Ok, I'm not really supposed to move at all, so the loving was more just by way of the holding. :-) Best feeling ever!
When they put him back in his incubator, I just wanted to pull him out again and hold him and carry him. But alas, that is for another day!
That night Ben went home before me because I stayed to pump one more time before heading home. When I was walking to the elevator to leave I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. By the time I arrived home I was all out crying. Ben asked me what was wrong and I answered, "I had to leave him there..." I know I had to leave him there and he is better off at the NICU than at home right now, but it sure didn't make it any easier to leave him there that night. I felt so helpless, Samuel's my baby and I felt like I could do nothing for him...
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